the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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