you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
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