U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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