Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
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