would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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