My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
