Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
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