This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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