do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
