I was born with a shot glass in my hand
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
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