So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
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