How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Randomize
