my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
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