Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Randomize
