Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
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