: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Randomize
