I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
