note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
