I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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