Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
