Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Randomize
