i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
