Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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