dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
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