Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Randomize
