If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Randomize