And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Randomize
