I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Randomize
