I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
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