Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
The uberlube is also flammable
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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