I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
home. puking in laundry basket.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Randomize
