i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
