So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Randomize
