Yes. UR adorable in a weird way.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Randomize
