Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
