I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
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