I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Randomize
