Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
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