i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize