That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
