I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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