college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
