Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
