You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
i already hear my dad disowning me
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Terrible idea I love it
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
Randomize
