i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
