Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
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