help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
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