I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
