New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
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