Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
FUCK WHALES
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Randomize
