Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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