oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Randomize
