True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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