you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
it's like heaven, but drunker
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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