ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
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