The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
