IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
well most of my day revolves around power hour
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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