mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Randomize