I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
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