just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
There's even glitter on my cock...
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