At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
