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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
