I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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