Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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