So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
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