I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
We smell like vodka and hangover
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
